Practical Law Presentations Mediation Tips on Settling Parenting Issues (download this info. as a word doc.) 1. Cooperate with your former spouse on behalf of your children. Children who have a close and supportive relationship with both parents have fewer problems. Examine your communication style. If necessary, get feedback from a neutral third party or use a mediator to resolve problems. Work hard to negotiate differences. 2. Facilitate visitation with the other parent. Help your children understand that after the divorce they have two homes. Going to the other parent's home is not "visiting"; it is another home in which the children live. Encourage your children to be loyal to both parents. Tell them that they don't have to take sides. Make it clear that they are not responsible for their parents' feelings and happiness. 3. Communicate openly about visitation. If you will be late picking up or dropping off your children, let the other parent know. Spend time working and playing with your children. Do not develop a relationship based on being the "fun parent." It is important to spend "real" time with your children and foster the perception that fun and work go on at both houses. 4. Treat your former spouse as a business colleague. Check up, check in, and follow through in a responsible and mature fashion. Encourage your former spouse to stay involved or get involved in school events, conferences, and extracurricular activities. Work out plans in advance when you will both be attending an event. Let your child talk freely with the other parent at any time. 5. Remember that visitation is for the child -- it is not your "right." Even when you are upset with your child or your former spouse, continue regular visitation. Although you may want to have your child to yourself during visitation, encourage your child to invite friends over occasionally. Make your time together as normal as possible. 6. Every child needs time alone with a parent. Having your children move between homes in groups may cause tension among siblings for "always being in the way." Children may complain that they never get time alone with the noncustodial parent. 7. Be honest with your children. If during the marriage your children witnessed serious problems, such as domestic violence, talk honestly about what happened without embellishing or distorting events. Say, for example, "The fights your dad and I sometimes had were not about you, and I want you to know that we both love you. We just had problems in our marriage that we couldn't solve." 8. Expect your children to be upset about the divorce. Let them talk openly about their feelings. Do not cry or be overly emotional during these talks. If you feel like crying, tell your child immediately what the tears are about and compose yourself as much as possible. Say, for example, "Whenever people go through things like this, they have a lot of different feelings. Being sad is part of it. I still want to talk as much as you do." 9. Give children the information they need to understand the divorce. Do not discuss adult issues -- including financial matters -- or negative feelings about the other parent with your children. 10. Do everything you can to keep your child from feeling emotionally involved in the conflict. Do not ask leading or prying questions about the other parent or ask your child to act as a messenger. Make drop-offs and pickups as painless and cordial as possible. These are stressful times for children and should not be used as guerrilla warfare. 11. Teach your children how to communicate their feelings of stress about being in the middle. Tell children that it is ok to say, "I don't want to talk about this because it makes me feel uncomfortable." 12. Find a good, solid support network for yourself. Do not depend on your child to comfort you or understand your feelings. Talk with friends, see a counselor, or join a support group, such as Parents without Partners. 13. When you start dating, be careful about making your new "friend" part of the family too soon. Wait until you are reasonably sure that the relationship will be long-term. Meeting and then losing several new "friends" can be difficult for children. 14. Teach your children good coping strategies. Help them see divorce issues as challenges rather than problems. Encourage your children to participate in a divorce support group at school. 15. Educate yourself about the divorce process. Read some good books, such as The Divorced Parent by Stephanie Marston; Mom's House, Dad's House by Isolina Ricci, and The New Peoplemaking by Virginia Satir. These suggestions are from John Hartson, Ph.D., a pediatric psychologist in Iowa City, Iowa, who counsels divorcing parents and their children. This article is adapted with permission from Coparenting After Divorce: A Handbook for Clients published in Family Advocate, Vol. 21, No. 1, Summer, 1998, by the ABA Family Law Section. >>Mediation Home >>Researching Local Programs & Experts >>Planning Your Program >>Choosing Mediation Over Litigation >>Tips for Preparing for Mediation >>Questions to Ask Yourself if You Are Considering Using Mediation >>Tips on Settling Parenting Issues >>Tips for Speakers >>National Dispute Resolution Organizations >>Additional Resources Reaching the Community Home | Practical Law Presentations Home