Law Practice Today

1. Show Up
2. Pay Attention
3. Tell Your Truth
4. Don’t Be Attached to the Outcome

Angelis Arrien, Ph.D.
The Four Fold Way

As we have said, becoming a good communicator is hard, detailed, analytical work. But it is the most important muscle you can develop for being more effective in both your personal and professional life. Coordinating the work of many, developing teamship and fostering collaboration is the work of effective leadership and management. It is a skill you can learn. In terms of communication in a virtual environment, paying attention to the details and nuances is the essential work.

A. Moving Through Roadblocks

The context in which we communicate is filled with the potential for miscommunication. Let’s say you want to get a message to your colleague in Germany (fluent English, but it is a second language) about a new person who will join your team on a very large consulting project. You’ve both known this person for many years and have your own perceptions of them. Although they have the reputation of “technical genius” they have some quirky personal characteristics.

When you are about to share your perceptions of this person you begin by coding the message through your own filters, then you deliver the message. When they receive the message they decode it through their perceptual filters. Add to this the use of asynchronous email and you begin to understand the filters and the medium present natural roadblocks to creating shared meaning, the goal of effective communication. All of these vectors have made me realize how artful communication is, and how difficulties are usually more structural than intentional. (Note the chart at the beginning of Chapter 9.)

Many people believe that some folks are just lucky to be born with effective communication skills. In fact, the most effective communicators work at it. One critical trait they share is the ability and persistence to both anticipate and move through roadblocks until shared meaning is created.

B. No Difficult People – Only Different People

Many of us have the tendency to give up too quickly and abandon our goal of building the bridge to the other. We make the assessment that the other will not or cannot understand the message we are trying to deliver because they are too difficult. We believe that a critical distinction is realizing the difference between “difficult behavior,” and “being difficult.” One is about character, the other about action. I always assume it is behavioral, and that the behavior can be improved through learning and feedback given in the spirit of generating improved effectiveness that is delivered without making personal judgments. The section on delivering feedback below incorporates the details of how to do that.

C. Instruments Demonstrate Differences

There are many different instruments that reveal style differences in different aspects of communication. They include:

• PSI - Personal Styles Inventory
• DISC - (i.e., Dominant, Influencer, Steady, Conscientious)
• MBTI - Myers Briggs
• Influence Inventory
• Relationship Strategies
• Thomas Killian Conflict Style

These instruments serve a few very useful purposes. They make us aware of the different way people receive and deliver information. That usually explains why we are challenged communicating with particular individuals. That enables us to use what we learn about our audiences so we can communicate more effectively. Using an instrument for a team or work-group and making people aware of the styles of others is a very useful tool for developing effectiveness in communicating to particular individuals. The instruments reveal preferences along a continuum of opposite styles. They shed light on why you may be having difficulty communicating with particular individuals. They provide information and strategies on the best way to communicate with people of the opposite or the same styles. They deliver the message that although we tend to have preferences because of our experience, how we developed or our genetic inclination, we have the capacity to consciously chose to “flex” our style so we can be more effective in dealing with people who have different preferences. “Flexing” is the way we develop our communication muscles!

D. Developing Emotional Intelligence

Traditionally intelligence was measured in terms IQ or intelligence quotient which measures cognitive ability. Of course that is a valuable measure of capacity. But it’s not the only critical factor. There are a number of different kinds of intelligence that have value in working with others. One of the most important ones for working with others is “Emotional Intelligence” because communication involves the nuances of human interaction. This serves us well for a few reasons that track the five basic tenants of emotional intelligence as conceived by Daniel Goleman and expressed in his book, “Emotional Intelligence” that popularized the field.

1. Self Awareness: This is the foundational skill that enables us to separate self from behavior through observation and reflection. It enables you to make more discerning assessments about yourself and your verbal and non-verbal communication.

2. Self Regulation: The ability to control what you do or say and how you react in the face of communication coming at you.

3. Empathy: Your ability to stand in their shoes and understand their perspective. The following quote sums up empathy and compassion:

"If you knew the secret history of those you would like to punish you would see a sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all your hostility."

4. Self Motivation: The ability to be proactive and not wait for things to come at you.

5. Social Skills: Your capacity for navigating in groups of people and recognizing the impacts of your words and deeds on others.

E. Responding and Reacting

How you engage with others is a critical part of the communication process. Weather you respond or react goes a long way in determining the outcome of the interaction. Responding has a much greater chance of getting you what you want while reacting is likely to engender push-back.

Reaction: A REPLY or behavior prompted by external influences that stimulate thought or behavior. The behavior is usually automatic and immediate. The caution is the importance of remembering what my mentor told me many years ago:

YOU CANNOT UNPUNCH SOMEONE!

Response: A reply or behavior stemming from internal knowledge based on personal values, ethics and standards that have been personally developed. The response is based on a choice after reflection about the outcome you want in the situation. You want to respond based on a desired outcome! Self editing is the critical skill.

F. Anger and Aggression

Anger is the emotion engendered by an expectation of or unacceptable behavior on the part of others. Aggression is the behavior to which you are driven to by unpleasant negative emotions including anger. These will always get in the way. It’s not unusual to feel anger as a result of someone’s words or actions. The skill is to manage what you do in response.

G. Passive / Aggressive / Assertive

One way of looking at what we do after someone communicates to us is to chose how you respond. The choice might be characterized by one of the following modes:

PASSIVE ASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVE

PASSIVE	ASSERTIVE	AGGRESSIVE
Failure to care for self	Courage	Violate other’s rights
Violation of your rights	Connection	Failure to care for them
	Caring

Assertive behavior respects everyone’s needs!

The chart sums it up beautifully! Following it is guaranteed to improve your effectiveness.

H. "I" statements

This is one of the most critical and most underutilized techniques for effective communication. In my experience, the great mistake we make is to criticize the words or deeds of another by judging them. A classic example is,

“ You make me so angry when you show up late.”

The double whammy – blaming them for your negative emotion and judging their behavior “late.” This type of communication is guaranteed to generate the push-back of a defensive response. A much more effective message would be:

“ I was very angry when you arrived at 9 when you promised to be here at 8.”

Let them assess their behavior and you will likely get an apology and a promise to do better. The formula is ,

“ I was your emotion when you describe their behavior”

I. Know / Do / Feel

One of the key failures of the communication process is the failure to think carefully of the message you want to deliver before composing and delivering your words. I frame this kind of communicating as “thinking out loud.” It is the antithesis of the way the prolific Ernest Hemingway described his process: “I think a lot and write very little.” For me a simple formula for avoiding this pitfall is the mantra,

“ KNOW / DO / FEEL”

Before you deliver any communication it is imperative to ask yourself:

“ What do you want them to know?”

“ How do you want them to feel?”

“ What do you want them to do?”

If you do not have a clear answer to at least one of the questions then you have nothing to say and you might refrain from speaking.

J. S O F T E N

This is a very useful acronym for real time, face-to-face communication. Although the commands for that kind of communication are not exactly on point, they have great value for any kind of communication exchange. Here’s the acronym and my translation for the world of virtual communication:

• S mile – Be pleasant in what you have to say. Communicate with diplomacy and tact, even when delivering bad news. Be mindful of word choice.
• O pen – Do not hold back. Share the feelings behind your words when appropriate. Be available for the response.
• F orward Lean – Engage with them; show you are interested.
• T erritory – Be aware by the response of when you have pushed too hard.
• E ye Contact – Meet them and engage (five to seven seconds).
• N od – Always acknowledge what they say to show you are listening.

K. Mirroring / Identifying

Communicating is about building a bridge between you and the other. It is always a give and take process. A critical act is the need to establish rapport before delivering your message. One of the best techniques for doing that is to mirror and identify. You want to send a message back with a similar mood or tone to establish connection. You can demonstrate your connection by showing you understand what they are saying by using an example from your own life. Once you are synchronized then you can deliver your message. This technique takes a page from neuro linguistic programming (NLP.) This powerful body of communication tools from the 1980’s was so popular in the world of sales and influencing others that some people were concerned it was unethical because of the inherent power of manipulation. The premise was that once you mirrored and established rapport you could then lead the conversation where you wanted it to go and others would follow at an unconscious level. Essentially it puts people at ease which fosters open communication.

L. Don’t Bark Back at Barking Dogs

The worst mistake you can make with people who are speaking louder to make their point is to try and “out louder” them. All that does is add fuel to the fire and generates an even louder response. When they are gripped in this kind of emotion the best thing to do to de-escalate a situation is to speak about the facts that have made them so emotional. This return to reason will usually calm people down.

Stewart Levine, Esq., is a consultant, trainer, mediator and facilitator. He is the author of the award winning “Getting to Resolution: Turning Conflict Into Collaboration” and the recently released “Book of Agreement” that has been called “more practical than Getting to Yes.” www.ResolutionWorks.org.