We all know the value of effective communication, but that is often easier said than done. This insightful article first looks at how society has facilitated ineffective communicators and then provides a scholarly solution.

Almost all productivity and all satisfaction in professional and personal relationships is the result of effective collaboration and coordination with others. From the other side,

the real cost of ineffective communication is huge. Replacing people, diminished productivity and innovation, and the drain of frayed emotions generates a huge drain on capacity.

Lately I have been called into a number of difficult situations, situations in which the cost of acrimony was having a serious impact on both individuals and organizational health. The recurrent theme in all of these disagreements is the lack of communication between the people involved. The people involved were speaking to each other but they were not hearing a thing. So what’s missing and how can we, each one of us, provide the ingredient that enables you to connect to the other.

Before I hit the high points I need to point to that ever present scapegoat for many societal ills. I think the media contributes to our current lack of civility. Given that the folks we see on the evening news are the arbiters of communication skills, it’s no wonder we are in touch trouble. Some of the communication vices we see modeled everyday on the “Talk” shows include:

• Raising the voice – our tone communicates more than one-third of our message. Demonstrating anger is not a very effective way of engaging.
• Talking points no matter what they say – Forget give and take and the dance of conversation. Making your points is the only thing that matters.
• No learning – Winning and being right is all that matters along with looking good.
• Not engaging with the other – Two monologues is what we see.

A number of years ago I came up with the following truism that describes the aspiration. I call it the Laws and Principles of Agreement. Here they are:

LAW of AGREEMENT

EVERY COLLABORATION IS ESTABLISHED IN LANGUAGE BY MAKING IMPLICIT (TALKING TO YOURSELF ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK THE AGREEMENT IS) AND EXPLICIT (DISCUSSING THE AGREEMENT WITH OTHERS) AGREEMENTS

PRINCIPLES of AGREEMENT

1. THE SOURCE OF PRODUCTIVITY AND FULFILLMENT IN PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIPS IS EFFECTIVE COLLABORATION. THE MORE ELEGANT THE EXPRESSION OF THE COLLABORATION THE BETTER THE RESULTS WILL BE.
2. WE WORK AND LIVE IN A “SEA” (CONTEXT) OF AGREEMENTS.
3. WE NEVER LEARNED THE ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS OF AN EFFECTIVE AGREEMENT
4. CLEAR AGREEMENTS EMPOWER. THEY EXPRESS A SHARED VISION, AND A PATH TO DESIRED RESULTS.
5. CLEAR AGREEMENTS IMPROVE THE CHANCES FOR SATISFACTION. THEY SET UP THE CONDITIONS THAT PRODUCE DELIGHTED CLIENTS, CUSTOMERS, TEAMMATES, COLLEAGUES, VENDORS, AND FAMILY MEMBERS.
6. PRACTICE ENABLES YOU TO CRAFT MASTERFUL AGREEMENTS.
7. COLLABORATION AND AGREEMENT FOR RESULTS IS SIMPLE, BUT IT IS NOT EASY. IT REQUIRES THOUGHTFULLNESS AND CLEAR THINKING ON THE FRONT END BEFORE YOU MOVE INTO ACTION, AND A COMMITMENT TO GET THROUGH THE ROUGH SPOTS AFTER YOU BEGIN
8. NO MATTER HOW CLEAR AND COMPLETE THE AGREEMENT, EVERYTHING WILL NOT BE ADDRESSED – CONFLICTS AND DIFFERENCES WILL ARISE THAT YOU MUST BE PREPARED TO RESOLVE
9. BREAKDOWNS ARE NOT A CAUSE FOR ALARM, THEY ARE A TO BE EXPECTED OPPORTUNITY FOR CREATIVITY.
10. RESOLVING CONFLICTS LEADS TO NEW AGREEMENTS.

The Law and Principles of Agreement provide the context in which we engage and coordinate with others. In the past I have shared the ten essential elements that make for effective agreements – what you need to speak about to develop a shared vision and a road map for the collaboration. Next month I will go deeper into the meaning of the law and principles. In this column I want to share what I have discovered are the essential communication tools for building a bridge to the other.

In a nutshell, here are the CRITICAL SKILLS NEEDED EVERYDAY:

1. Story: Allow others to be heard – listen to their story fully before responding and cutting them off. Before you begin, paraphrase what you understood them to say and make sure you are tracking each other.
2. Communication: Dialogue is a two-way interaction – a dance of responses, an engaged ballet.
3. Use “I” Messages – Tell them the impact their behavior had on you. Like, “When you criticize me “I” feel afraid to do anything,” instead of “When “you” use that condescending tone I feel afraid”
4. Listening / Learning / Allowing Influence – Hold the communication process as an opportunity to learn and teach. Use active listening and observe the emotion and ask questions to show you care and you are engaged.
5. Objective – Create “Win / Win” Agreements: Human beings like to engage in collaborative activity with others. See your communication as purposeful. The object of every interaction is to move toward an agreement for action and results.
6. Remember “Everything you Need to Know You Learned in Kindergarten:” As we are all catapulted into the future at breakneck pace we often forget the small niceties of civic engagement. Please, Thank You, Your Welcome go a long way.

If you knew the secret history of those you would like to punish, you would see a sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all your hostility.

7. Compassion / Acceptance – Others will not likely change no matter how much you will it. As long as you rant over their behavior you contribute to your own stress related disease. Understand there is always something over there you do not know or understand that explains why they are the way they are. My favorite quote:
8. Letting Go (Forgiveness) – This will give you everything – peace of mind, presence, and the engagement of colleagues and friends. Reframing false belief systems is all I do.
9. Acknowledgement – People like to be noticed and appreciated. As opposed to being critical, pointing out what’s missing and seeing half-empty glasses acknowledge, appreciate, and validate.
10. Platinum Rule – When motivating others we usually think in terms of the golden rule – Do unto others as they would do unto you. That is good, but it is self-referential and assumes they will be motivated by what motivates you. Unfortunately most often we are motivated by something different, hence Platinum. “Do unto others as they would do unto themselves.” It’s much more effective.”

I hope you find these useful! Next month I will go deeper into the Laws and Principles.