The Truth About Having It All
By Jennifer Hilsabeck
As a full-time working mother of three, I often find
myself dealing with the challenges of balancing a demanding
career and a busy family life, all the while wondering
if my juggling act is going to be a success. Regardless
of whether or not we have children, each of us as working
professionals must balance different aspects of our lives
on a regular basis. The demands of a career in the law
are great, and many times other elements of who we are
must suffer in order to meet those demands. After all,
who hasn’t blown off a friend, family member, or
significant other because of a heavy work load or impending
deadline? Each time we do this, we tell ourselves that
this is the last time and that from now on we will be
better about prioritizing and managing our time, and
so forth, but the truth is that sacrifices such as these
are inevitable in the ongoing quest for professional
success.
When I ponder this dilemma, I am reminded of an event
that had a profound affect upon my life. Several years
ago, I had the opportunity to speak at the National Asian
Pacific Bar Association’s (NAPABA) annual conference
in Chicago, Illinois, through my prior work with the
American Bar Association’s Young Lawyer’s
Division. I was giving a presentation on how to recruit
and retain members in local NAPABA affiliate organizations.
After my presentation concluded, there was a panel of
former and current NAPABA leaders who were presenting
a roundtable discussion on the topic of leadership issues
in general. The panel was made up of an equal part of
male and female participants, as was the audience. Midway
through the discussion, an audience member directed a
question which at first seemed rather innocuous: “Do
you think it is really possible to have it all: professional
success and personal happiness?”
The panel members had a variety of answers, each in
keeping with their respective personal experiences. Although
each of the individuals had a different story to tell,
a common theme was definitely emerging: In order to achieve
the level of success that each of them had enjoyed professionally,
a significant amount of personal sacrifice was required.
This sacrifice included forgoing time with loved ones
as well as giving up treasured hobbies and free time
activities. As I looked around the room at the other
audience members, I could see from the number of nodding
heads that what was being said was ringing true with
the majority of them, myself included.
Then an elderly gentleman quietly rose from the audience
and asked to speak. He said that he had been an attorney
for most of his life and couldn’t remember a time
when he wasn’t working hard. He was working hard
as a young boy to get good grades in school, then working
hard as a young man to get good grades in college and
in law school and finally working hard during his career
in the law. He didn’t question his motivation,
which he described as desiring to be successful and which
he further rationalized as being what everyone should
want for themselves. He went on to explain that during
his career as an attorney, he married and had a son,
which only increased his desire to work hard and succeed.
He asked the group aloud, as he had apparently asked
himself many times during those years, wasn’t it
expected of him that he provide well for his wife and
child?
This gentleman then shared the fact that many years
later, when his son was a grown man and expecting a child
of his own, he came to his father and told him of how
alone he felt growing up without his father present.
He told us of how his son confessed that he missed him
terribly as a boy and desperately longed for them to
spend time together, father and son. As this elderly
gentleman was recounting this deeply private conversation,
his voice began to flutter and his hands began to tremble.
It was obvious that this was a man not usually taken
over by his emotions and he was struggling to keep them
in check. With the full attention of the room, he cautioned
each and every one of us to not lose sight of what is
important in our quest for success. To remember that
success is not only measured by the accolades that one
receives in their profession, but also by the other lives
that one touches and enhances during one’s short
time here on earth. He closed by saying that he deeply
regretted not spending more time with both his wife and
son and that he hoped we all wouldn’t make the
same mistake.
After the panel presentation had completed, I began
to ponder my own life and whether or not I was successfully
balancing the demands of my career with the demands of
my personal life. In all honesty, the answer to that
question seems to change on a regular basis. For example,
on days when work is particularly demanding, I might
not make it home in time to share quality time with my
family. Other days, I might have a personal obligation,
such as caring for a sick child or fulfilling an ABA
volunteer obligation, which renders me unable to work
to the peak of my capacity. Still other days, I might
be so close to burning out that I simply must take some
uninterrupted time for myself before I can do anything
else. Each of these days requires a different direction
of focus, and yet, when I look at them together as a
collective pattern, I can see that each has resulted
in full attention being given to a different aspect of
life in generally even rotation: career, others, and
self. Therefore, the secret to having it all might be
understanding that you won’t necessarily have it
all at the same time. As long as the rotation in focus
and effort is kept even, perhaps this balancing act can
work, and, over time, result in a relatively even level
of success in all areas of life.
Actually keeping that rotation relatively even can,
unfortunately, be easier said than done. A time during
which I found the balancing act particularly challenging
was when my oldest son was in grade school and I was
an entry-level associate with a rather large law firm
for my community’s standards. It was at this time
that I was also a single parent. I was under intense
pressure to satisfy my billable hour requirements, yet
at the same time determined not to allow the demands
of my career to impede upon my obligations and desires
to be a good parent. My son’s school had an after-care
program that ended at 6:00 p.m. sharp, and another local
female attorney and I were always the last two parents
racing through the door to pick up our kids. More work
nights than I would care to admit, my evening with my
son consisted of picking up McDonalds through the drive-through
window and then heading back to my office so that I could
continue to work while he completed his homework, and
eventually fell asleep in a chair until we were able
to leave. In exchange for this type of work week, I made
a concerted effort to stay out of the office as much
as possible on the weekends and always tried to attend
any field trips and performances that my work schedule
would allow. Most importantly, I would never cancel a
family vacation, even if it meant that we had to spend
the majority of the night before our departure in my
office, which honestly happened more than once. As you
can imagine, the fact that I wasn’t around much
on the weekends did not go unnoticed by the partners
at my former firm. Nevertheless, I had made a personal
decision to forgo the “face time” on the
weekends for precious “family time” with
my son. The fact that this choice was in stark contrast
to the culture of my former firm was indeed the primary
reason for my seeking a change and eventually deciding
to take a position as in-house counsel with a private
company. My eldest son is now a freshman in college,
and I feel fortunate that we have managed to remain extremely
close in spite of my intense work schedule as an attorney.
One can never be certain about the reason for such things,
but if I had to point to a possible reason for our closeness,
I would like to think that it is mainly because I frequently
communicated to him the fact that he always comes first
in my life, and furthermore, that the main reason I am
working so hard is to give him a better life
For me personally, I’ve determined that the key
to making this rotational approach work is being honest
with myself as to which areas are worth focusing on and
to what extent. With the current economic climate being
less than rosy, it is tempting, if not compelling, to
eschew all personal desires for happiness and fulfillment
in hopes of staying firmly on the payroll. But even after
making extreme personal sacrifices of time and energy
in an effort to secure one’s position, one can
nevertheless be faced with a loss of employment, due
to forces beyond their direct knowledge or control. Although
I understand my method for coping may not be a universal
prescription for happiness and success, I truly hope
that my story has been informative, entertaining, and,
if nothing else, something to ponder the next time you
have a few moments to yourself in between deadlines.
Jennifer Sloan Hilsabeck is associate general counsel for American Nevada Company, a Greenspun family company that was founded in 1974. ANC is a major developer of commercial office centers, retail centers, master planned communities, and mixed-use projects in Nevada, and is currently developing new planned communities in Arizona and Texas aggregating approximately 7,000 acres. In addition, she is currently a member of the Leadership Advisory Board of the American Bar Association's Young Lawyers Division and has been appointed to serve as a Young Lawyers Division Liaison to the General Practice, Solo and Small Firm Division as well as the Business Law Section of the ABA. Within the GP|Solo Division, Jennifer also currently serves as Chair of both the Young Lawyer and the Corporate Counsel Committees.
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Bar Association.
