ABA Child Law Practice, Vol. 20 No. 11, pp.
171-175, January 2002.
In Practice
Mentoring: Starting the New Year Right
by Gary Seiser
“Want to go to lunch?”
I was the new commissioner assigned to hear dependency cases. He was the presiding judge of the juvenile court.
“Uh, that would be great, your honor. What did you have in mind?”
“Ever eat at K-Mart?”
K-Mart? The discount store? I didn’t know they served
food at K-Mart!
They did. In the back of the store, sandwiched between sporting goods and linens, was a little cafeteria. Over the next two years, once every week or so, we ate in places like that. The surroundings were never fancy. The food was never expensive. But the conversation was priceless.
That judge wasn’t the only mentor I’ve had over the years. Before him there was my company commander when I was a young Marine lieutenant in Vietnam. Years later, after I left the bench and moved to San Diego, it was a social worker who guided me. I’ve had many mentors. Each mentored me in different ways. Each mentored me on different things. Each changed my life. So what is mentoring?
First and foremost,
mentoring is a partnership. That surprises a lot of people. Many picture
mentoring as the wise old sage handing down advice to the lowly young beginner.
We’ll get to that age thing later. Let’s focus on the relationship first. If
everything is going from the mentor on high to the mentee below, that’s a
one-way-street. That’s a relationship in which only one person learns—the mentee.
That’s not mentoring. That’s tutoring. That’s teaching. Is it beneficial? Sure.
But mentoring is more than that.
Mentoring is a two-way relationship—a partnership. Does that mean the mentor isn’t more experienced or occasionally higher up in the organizational chain? No. It simply means that when the two interact in the mentoring relationship the mentor takes off, or greatly reduces, any trappings of position or power. Why? So they can communicate one-on-one, with each being free to express themselves fully. That’s what my presiding judge was doing when he took me to K-Mart, leveling the playing field so we could talk. It worked.
In a partnership each
person brings something of value to the relationship, and each person
gains something of value from it. What? Well, the mentee brings a desire to
learn and grow, and a belief that such growth is possible. No problem so far.
What the mentee gains is clear too—insight, growth, new approaches to problems,
perhaps even connections that wouldn’t have been open to him without the
mentor. What of the mentor? The mentor brings experience, knowledge, and the
desire to help someone learn. But if this is a partnership, what does the
mentor gain? Plenty.
Great mentors don’t mentor because they have nothing more to learn. They mentor because they don’t ever want to stop learning. The best mentors treasure the learning process and are enriched by it. They treasure sharing, and realize that in the sharing they also learn. Are all mentors that noble? No. But many are. There are other benefits for mentors too, particularly within an organization such as a court system or a social services agency. It forces mentors to stay current, so they can pass on that information. It offers mentors a challenge, making them think how to help the mentee most effectively. Further, just as mentors support mentees, mentees can also support their mentors—being loyal, providing information, going the extra mile. Mentors gain much from mentoring.
If mentoring is going on within an agency, office or court system, the organization cannot help but benefit from the personal and professional growth of its members. Mentoring within an organization helps create a learning environment that supports our success in child welfare. Thus, the organization gains much too. That’s the nice thing about mentoring—everybody wins.
The goal of the
mentoring relationship is learning. Learning what? That’s up to you. Some
mentoring relationships are broad covering most of life, or one major area of
the mentee’s life, like “surviving in the child welfare system.” Other
mentoring relationships are narrow, limited to one small area of the mentee’s
life, or even one specific skill, like oral argument, risk assessment,
interviewing children, or cross-examination. Part of establishing
the mentoring relationship is defining the learning goal and the focus of the
relationship.
Defining the boundaries of the relationship helps too. Is it professional and personal, or just professional? Will you talk only at work, or will you talk outside work as well? These are important questions, especially if you both work for the same organization.
How do you define the goals and boundaries? Sometimes by talking about them, which is often the way in formal mentoring programs. Other times it evolves naturally, like the relationship itself, which is more common in informal mentoring. Either way, goals and boundaries must be established to avoid misunderstandings. Then both can relax and be comfortable enough to learn. So, how do mentors help mentees learn?
I’ve fallen a lot
over the years. Sometimes I had help—someone pulling his support when I needed
it most or leading me astray with misinformation. Most of the time I did it all
by myself—spoke without thinking, made choices without realizing the
consequences. I even had a mentor at some of these times. But mentors aren’t
there to keep you from making mistakes. And they’re not there to catch you if
you do.
Some of our most valuable lessons are learned by falling down, picking ourselves up, and figuring out what went wrong. Good mentors know that, even if we don’t. So sometimes, especially if we aren’t paying attention, they let us fall—or perhaps just stumble—for our own good. Then, when we’re ready to grow, they help us learn from our mistakes. They help us help ourselves. How do they do that?
A friend of mine mentors new social work
supervisors. She once asked whether I thought she should just come right out
and tell this new supervisor that he might be good, but no one was going to
like working for him because of his supervision style. I didn’t tell her. I
asked.
“How do you think he would feel if you did that?”
“Hmmmmm. Threatened probably. Maybe a little offended.”
“So how would he feel if instead you ask him how he handled a particular situation, and then ask how he thought the person felt when he did that?”
The light came on.
Mentors do teach, and they do tell. But much of what a mentor teaches is taught by asking questions. Asking questions requires the mentee to reason it out herself, and the mentor to listen. Both benefit the two-way communication of the partnership, and it helps the mentee internalize the lesson. Mentors have plenty to tell, but a good mentor tells sparingly, and asks a lot.
Mentors also affirm.
We’re all human. We’ve got fears and insecurities. That includes mentees and
even mentors. No one is immune. Good mentors know this and watch for it. If
some fear or insecurity is holding the mentee back, a good mentor recognizes
that and deals with it. How, you ask? Sometimes by openly talking about it with
the mentee. Other times, just by affirming. Consider these tips.
n Listen. It is amazing how the simple act of being listened to helps people feel valued, helps them open up. The mentor is in a unique position to do this. Mentors should listen not just to the words, but to the feelings beneath them.
n Honor the mentee’s fears and doubts. Never say, “Oh, don’t worry about that” because he IS worrying about that. Instead, try “You’re anxious. That’s understandable. Many people are the first time. Have you thought about trying X? It might work.”
n Acknowledge the validity of the mentee’s thoughts and ideas, even if you don’t agree with them. Reasonable minds can differ. So, acknowledge the validity of the mentee’s ideas. “You’re right. The mother does appear protective of the child.” Then, if guidance is needed, provide it. “But I think more weight needs to be given to the perpetrator’s continued access to the child if the child is returned home.”
n Praise progress, even when it’s small. Don’t go overboard, of course, and don’t do it without meaning it. But when the mentee takes a step in the right direction, praise it. Remember, some mentees are strangers to such praise, and need that affirmance more than you realize.
n Emphasize how much you get out of the relationship, how much you enjoy working with the mentee and the challenge of mentoring. Thank your mentee for working with you.
When mentors do these
things it empowers mentees. It helps them feel safe and valued in the mentoring
relationship. It helps them try new things, spread their wings, and grow.
Good mentors, like good supervisors and good
managers, welcome disagreement. Heresy? I don’t think so. Disagreement is a
plus for many reasons. It provides fertile ground for dynamic discussion and
growth. Ever go to a presentation where all the speakers agreed and said the
same thing? Ever go to one where the speakers held divergent views and openly
disagreed? Which held your interest? Which made you think and consider all the
possibilities? The second. It’s the same in mentoring. If the mentee isn’t free
to share his own view, and act on it if he chooses, it isn’t a true mentoring
relationship; it isn’t one built on trust.
Another reason disagreement is a plus is there is no one right way. This is especially true in child welfare where the answers to the problems we face are rarely clearcut.
The solution for one family is seldom the same for the next. The goal of mentoring isn’t to get the mentee to learn to do things the mentor’s way. The goal of mentoring is to stimulate thinking, to plant seeds of thought, so the mentee can grow and learn in whatever direction works for her. You might be surprised. The mentee might actually come up with a better way. So one question the mentor needs to ask herself is, “What if my mentee doesn’t take my advice? Am I OK with that?” If not, perhaps you’re not mentoring. Mentoring is not a power relationship, it’s a learning one.
Mentoring is supposed
to help people learn, grow and achieve. So it’s no surprise people often excel
when mentored. I have been privileged to mentor some of the finest attorneys
and social workers. All have risen professionally. Some are now peers. Others
will be. Two will soon surpass me, and that’s OK.
Mentoring is kind of like parenting. As parents we hope our children—personally and professionally—will accomplish more than we did. If they do, we like to feel we were partly responsible, that we were good parents. Good mentors have that same feeling. When a mentee succeeds, a good mentor doesn’t begrudge that success or say, “I suggested that.” A good mentor stands aside with a quiet, satisfied smile and applauds with the rest of the crowd. A good mentor is a fan.
For some this isn’t easy. But stand aside we must, if we’re truly mentoring. When we do, it validates the trust we’ve built with the mentee. Mentees know we’re not there to steal their limelight, and we’re not focused on ourselves—we’re focused on them. Once mentees know that—truly know that—the learning can take off at light speed. Then the mentors can delight in watching the light bulbs come on.
Who works for an
organization that has enough people, an unlimited training budget, low
caseloads, low turnover, and high morale? Raise your hands. Higher, please.
Hmmmmm. I thought so. I don’t either. Making the most of less is a never-ending
challenge in child welfare. Yet children and families are counting on us.
Mentoring is a low-cost, time-saving, and effective way to educate, empower,
and motivate one another. That’s why mentoring can be so valuable in child
welfare. It makes the most of what we have, and helps us maximize efforts to
help children and families.
Programs for mentoring foster children are springing up all over the country, and that’s great. But it’s not enough. We also need to link social workers, CASAs, attorneys, and judicial officers with mentors. If we’re going to solve the leadership and management crisis our organizations and systems sometimes experience, we need to connect supervisors, managers, department heads, and judicial officers with experienced mentors. Don’t forget foster and biological parents either. In fact, foster and biological parents may be overlooked in our development of mentoring programs in child welfare. They shouldn’t be. If we’re going to succeed in child welfare, so we can serve the needs of children and families, we need to involve and support everyone.
I’ve mentored many
people on the dependency system, legal skills, and surviving in government
offices. Some of those people mentored me right back. On what? Risk assessment.
Cultural competence and diversity issues. Training skills. That kind of
reciprocal mentoring is especially helpful in child welfare where we have so
many different professions working together. Yes, attorneys can mentor attorneys,
social workers can mentor social workers, and so on. But an attorney can also
mentor a social worker. A social worker can mentor an attorney, a foster
parent, or a CASA. Get the idea? We have much to gain from each other.
Reciprocal and multidisciplinary mentoring is one way to achieve that.
If I have any wisdom,
it’s because I’ve made mistakes. Personally and professionally, I’ve misstepped
more often than I care to admit. Some of the best mentors are like that.
They’ve been there, done that, and learned from it. But you don’t need to have
misstepped to be a good mentor. I have a friend who is one of the most liked
and respected people I know. He and his life seem so perfect it’s hard
to imagine he’s ever made a mistake. Yet he successfully mentors legal interns
and young attorneys. He’s excellent. Mentoring welcomes all kinds.
It welcomes all ages too, and all experience levels. Yes, we often think of mentors as older, sometimes much older. Some are. Some aren’t. You don’t have to be. Some of the social workers that mentored me have been much younger than I. We all have something to share, and we all have something to learn, regardless of our age. You don’t have to have years of experience to be a mentor either, although it helps. You just have to know more than the person you’re mentoring on the topic you’re mentoring in, and have the desire to help.
Getting interested? Wondering how you should get started? One good way is through a mentoring program. Don’t have one? Start one. There’s a sidebar on them. Read it. Even without a formal program, all you need for mentoring is two people—one who wants to learn and one who wants to share. If you need help, look around you. The mentor is there. Just ask. If you want to help, look around you. A mentee needs you. Offer.
The presiding judge who mentored me 17 years ago
died a while back. When I think of him, I have difficulty deciding whether I
saw him as a boss or friend, a father or brother, a teacher or peer. Good
mentors are like that, hard to define. They’re hard to forget too. I still use
the lessons he helped me learn long ago. Those lessons were pure gold. Come to
think of it, so was he. If you don’t have a mentor, get one. If you’re not a
mentor, be one. Make it a New Year’s resolution. You’ll be glad you did. Just
remember, you don’t have to take them to K-Mart.
Gary Seiser is a Senior Deputy County Counsel with the Juvenile
Dependency Division of the Office of County Counsel, San Diego, CA. He was a superior court commissioner
assigned to hear dependency cases in Riverside County, California, and is a
retired Colonel with the U.S. Marine Corps Reserve. He has mentored for the San
Diego County Bar Association, and for the Lawyers Club of San Diego. He can be
contacted by phone, 858/492-2550, or e-mail, GarySeiser@aol.com
Mentoring Programs: Just Add
Water
A
good mentoring program is like a well-kept garden. Just add water, food for thought, the sunshine of support,
and watch your people grow.
Do
you need a formal program to be involved in mentoring? No. None of my mentors were part of a formal program
when they mentored me, and I’ve mentored many people without one. But, formal
mentoring programs serve some important functions:
n Formal programs cause people to think about mentoring, about getting or being a mentor, and how to get involved.
n The better mentoring programs actually teach mentoring—how to mentor, and how to be mentored.
n Formal mentoring programs pair people who might never have found each other without the program. Sometimes those pairings have great results for the mentor and mentee.
n Finally, and perhaps most important, formal mentoring programs create a “culture” that says it’s OK to mentor, it’s OK to be mentored. Formal programs give us permission, and sometimes we need that.
Don’t
have time for a formal program? Don’t
have the resources? You’re kidding, right? You don’t have the time or the
resources not to. When you get new people, you need them to get up to
speed quickly. You want them to feel welcome, fit in, and be an effective part
of the team right from the start. Mentoring helps.
Who needs mentoring? New employees. People changing positions or responsibilities. People who want to move up in the organization. People you want to move up in the organization. People who have already moved up, but need to be challenged to stay sharp and interested, or to grow further. Think of a mentoring program as a human resource program, a professional development program. Do a “needs assessment.” Start small. Start where the need is greatest.
What are the perks? A learning environment in which people feel valued and encouraged to develop. Mentoring programs tell people they’re important to the organization and that you’re glad they’re there. When they feel that, they’ll not only grow to be more effective and productive, they’ll have higher morale and stay longer. In our fight to help children and families, we can use that.
My Favorites:
Managers As Mentors: Building Partnerships for
Learning, by Chip R. Bell
(Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 1998). My top pick for the top book in the field.
It’s not just for managers; it’s for everyone.
Mentoring: How to Develop Successful Mentor Behaviors,
by Gordon F. Shea (Crisp Pub., 1997).
Short, simple, direct.
Making Mentoring Happen: A Simple and Effective Guide
to Implementing a Successful Mentoring Program, by Kathy Lacey (Business & Professional Pub.,
1999). Exactly what its title implies.
Other
Good Picks:
A Step-by-Step Guide to Starting an Effective
Mentoring Program, by Norman H. Cohen
(Human Resource Development, 2000).
Coaching, Counseling & Mentoring: How to Choose
& Use the Right Technique to Boost Employee Performance, by Florence M. Stone (AMACOM, 1999).
Coaching & Mentoring for Dummies, by Marty Brounstein (IDG Books, 2000).
Mentoring for Exceptional Performance, by Harold E. Johnson (Griffin, 1997).
The Art of Mentoring: Lead, Follow, and Get Out of the
Way, by Shirley Peddy, Ph.D.
(Bullion-Books, 1998).
The Mentor’s Guide: Facilitating Effective Learning
Relationships, by Lois J. Zachary
(Jossey-Bass, 2000).
Inspirational:
Mentoring Heroes: 52 Fabulous Women’s Paths to Success
and the Mentors Who Empowered Them,
by Mary K. Doyle (3E Press, 2000).
Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, A Young Man, and Life’s Greatest Lesson, by Mitch Albom (Doubleday, 1997).
Mentoring Pitfalls
Mentoring has the
potential for great good and large disasters. How do you ensure the good and
avoid the disasters? Be aware of potential problems, watch for them, and
address them when they arise. Mentor pitfalls include:
The
Pedestal. A good mentor serves as a
role model. That’s pretty natural. But two potential pitfalls exist. One is the
mentee may put the mentor on a pedestal. The other is the mentor may put
herself on a pedestal. The first is a problem. The second, a disaster. Avoid
pedestals.
The
Fall From Grace. Even if the mentor
isn’t on a pedestal, she’s still held in high regard. But mentors are human,
and make mistakes—past and present. When the mentee realizes this it can catch
him off guard, resulting in a lack of respect and a breakdown in the
relationship. Mentors should be upfront that sometimes they’ll share
information about things they’ve done that haven’t worked, so the mentee can
learn from the mentor’s experience. But be careful about revealing too much
personal information and failures.
Violating
Trust. The mentoring relationship is
built on trust. Mentors must always honor that trust. This means not sharing
information with others that is shared confidentially within the relationship.
It means being honest in the mentoring relationship, and valuing it. Violating
the mentee’s trust is the fastest way to fall from grace.
Cross-Gender
Mentoring. Cross-gender mentoring is
often successful and rewarding. But there are potential problems. Stereotypic
gender assumptions held by the mentor, the mentee, or both, can make
communicating effectively on a particular topic difficult. Sometimes others,
even spouses, question the true nature of the relationship. Sometimes there is
sexual tension. These potential pitfalls aren’t insurmountable if they arise.
They just require awareness and sometimes straightforward talk. Again, laying
the ground rules early in the relationship can prevent problems.
Supervisors
As Mentors. Conventional wisdom holds
a mentor should not be the mentee’s direct supervisor or manager.
Unconventional wisdom holds some of the most powerful mentoring is done when
the mentor is the mentee’s direct supervisor or manager. Which is correct?
Both. The potential exists for conflict between the supervisor’s responsibility
to the organization and the responsibility to help the mentee succeed. If a
conflict arises, it can cause problems and even a breakdown not only in the
mentor-mentee relationship, but also the supervisor-supervisee relationship.
That said, if the supervisor has excellent supervisory and interpersonal
skills, is clear about when she is serving as mentor versus supervisor, and the
mentor and mentee can handle the changing roles, having the supervisor be the
mentor can be a positive experience.
Not
Being Ready. There’s an old saying, “When
the pupil is ready, the master will appear.” But is the pupil ready? Is the
master? Often they’re not. To be a mentee you have to a desire to learn and
grow, and believe you have the potential for both. To be a mentor takes more
than experience and knowing your field. A good mentor must have excellent
interpersonal skills, be willing to share, and be able to accept the mentee may
not follow your guidance. Not everyone is ready for this. Getting into a
mentoring relationship when you’re not ready is a prescription for
failure.